i go through all this,
before you wake up,
to feel happier and safe with you again.

So all has been decided. I've been a bit head fucked this past week. I couldn't decide if moving to New York would be the right thing to do. I was seriously considering just completely backing out of it. I was worried I would miss all of my friends too much. I was worried i would miss my family, miss english food...and here is safe you know?

here is not a giant city where there are horrible people just trying to fuck everything up and mess with my head. here is legal. here is stable. here i have people to support me. here i can get into bars and not care. here there is no social bullshit. here i coul dhave a career.

and it sounds really fucking stupid, because i wouldn't go through with it now for a million pounds..but the past few weeks ive been feeling super maternal! and then last friday wheni held my cousins little baby i just really really want one. and thought about settling down. But then when i actually think about it in detail i realise how utterly stupid that would be of me. I would regret it 100% within a year of having it. i know i would.because it would mean giving up all the things i havent finished exploring yet. and until ive done allof that i dont want a whisper in hell of settling down. i came too close to it before, and that made me realise how much i almost lost so young.

So i decided that when im homesick, or bored in new york, i will tell myself 'if you were at home, you would be homesick for new york, and you would probably also be bored. but at least you are bored in new york.'

And i dont care about all the mean people. because im just going to surround myself with all the eople that i know are kind and will do anything for me. and that will make me happy. and i have enough people there to make me feel happy.

Next week I am going to these awards things. which meant I had to buy a trouse suit with my wages yesterday. I maneged to get a cute blazer, trousers, shirt with a jumper for £46 altogether.

The venue is now in Bishops Stortford. What the frigging fuck is that about?! i now have to sleep in a big scary hotel room all by myself !i have no way of getting home, and have already had the chat from my manager which is along the lines of 'the company have payed for this beautiful hotel, you should be so thank ful...' etc etc etc. which i dont mind. i just dont want to sleep on my own. hiopefully there will be a TV in there and that will make me sleep a little easier. that and the bathroom light on...yes. next up...pictures.