Well, the past few days have been nothing but hours of endless self discovery.

Apparently I broke someones heart. No one seems to care that it broke my heart as well. I was warned away so many times and now just hours after it was finalised and the hearts were in tatters is this person doing everything I was told he was doing all along. and now i realise it. But I dont care.

I think everything about him makes him wonderful...good things make him special and cheeky and hilarious. The bad things make him a stronger person.

But what I did realise this week is that I just can't be in a relationship. If I was going to be in a relationship, it would be with this person.

But I had way too many flashbacks this week. And not only did it make me feel doomed (as if having hugs on a subway train is obviously going to end up in someone who is not you getting pregnant by this persons child and then for you to find out they had made it all up!) but it made me realise that i felt locked like that. and i didnt want to feel locked if i couldnt be with that person every day. what is the point? It's like being locked in a Thorntons choclate shop but someones already taken all the stock out! I may as well just concentrate on the huge things in
life that will make me happy. Such as location, career, just general happyness. And I dont think I ever got that from my only serious relationship anyway. Because I need to have everything that makes me happy in one place. my sister, My friends, NYC.

Once that is done. Which can really all be done in one smooth step (touchwood) in October. Then I just need to find someone silly enough to marry me. and with enough money to pay for my Visa forms and shit. ugh...Now i'm thinking about it, it definately wont be smooth. But it isn't impossible. And I do need a job before anything.

OK...bottom line. Relationships are a no no for me at the moment. But I would like to state the fact that my heart ACHED at Darkroom that night. It doesn't change how wonderfully fantastic I think that person is. It's just not practical right now.